Our household received another pamphlet today. It was bigger & better than Clover Moore’s “Get Ready Sydney” security pack, so we are well on our way to achieving a very high paper recycling rate in this household for this year.
I am grateful that Lil Johnny knows so much about our household and talking to my kid about drug issues. Although there are no kids in this household, I am quite concerned that Thomas (the former drain cat) has developed a drug habit. So Johnny’s book has a very informative section: “How will you know if your teenager is taking drugs?”:
- A Drop In School Grades: Thomas has not caught any birds in his entire life, and he has failed to catch any cockroaches in the new house - could he be a life long drug user? I know nothing about his drain-cat street history in Singapore – is it safe to assume he did not get access to hard drugs in Singapore, but then again, maybe he just had good connections!
- A Reduction in Organised Extra-Curricular Activity (such as an unexplained dropping out of sport or other activities or interests): It has been ages since Thomas has jumped up on the table and knocked over an expensive vase. He no longer goes over to other people’s houses to pretend that he has not been fed since 1998.
- Bloodshot or glassy eyes: His eyes always glow in the dark.
- Lethargy or loss of motivation: Thomas always sleeps from 9am to 5pm (in between feeding times). Then he goes back to sleep from 6pm to 6am.
- An unexplained change of friends: As part of my study diversion techniques, I regularly keep up with Jerry Springer and Oprah on a daily basis. (It is essential that I keep up with cutting edge social trends). I am quite concerned, as Thomas used to always avidly follow Oprah, but recently he has been paying more attention to Jerry and the in-depth insights that you get from his shows. A sure sign that we have issues.
- Unusual or irregular behaviour: Thomas got really shitty with one of my old work buddies the other night, when he hissed and spat at Jacky, even though he has never met her before… I originally thought that Jacky may have been part of a cat-haters cult in a past life, but maybe she used to work for a drug enforcement agency.
- Mood Swings: Always an issue just before dinner time….
- Minimal interaction with the family: Thomas’ only interaction involves meowing for food in the morning and evening. Nothing more.
- Valuable items or money missing: I always have less money in my wallet on the morning after I go out for drinks in the evening. I thought I may have been really drunk, but maybe Thomas has been stealing money for drugs.
- Changes in eating patterns: Thomas wants food 6 or 7 times a day, instead of 4 or 5 times a day when I used to work.
- Agitation, anxiety or jitteriness: He went ape-shit the other night when I vacuumed the house.
- Sleeping problems, including not sleeping: This seems to contradict the lethargy issue above. Maybe Little Johnny has got this wrong…. but he’d never lie to us??? Surely not!!!
- Aggression: See issues above – particularly at dinner time, or when Jacky ventures into my house.
There is $1.4 billion being spent on these issues by the government. That’s about $280 per household, so this pamphlet must have been really expensive to produce and distribute. I’ll make sure I’ll keep in a safe place, along with Clover’s “Get Ready Sydney” pack and Little Johnny’s “Be Alert but not Alarmed” fridge magnet. I’m so grateful that we live in a nanny state where the pollies care so much….
