Australian of the Year competition results from Bogan Gate

Bogan Gate is a small town in NSW with a population of less than 200 people and a post office, memorial hall, police station and hotel (that serves meals from 12 noon to 2pm and 6pm to 8pm).  (Refer to footnote below for more details).  Most people know this.  Bogan Gate is where bogans live.  Today I am going to share a secret.  The Bogans in Bogan Gate also decide who is going to be the Australian of the Year – so read on….

We really had a Bogan Australia Day this year.  If there is something Australian people love, it is sports people and B Grade celebrities.  And this has been re-affirmed through the winners of the Australia Day awards for 2008.  This is why I have included a picture of Bogan Gate in this posting.  This is the place where the “Australia Day Council” decides who will will the awards for being the most “Australian” – what ever that is….

To be the best Australian in 2008, you have to be a reincarnation of Billy Ray Cyrus.  The Australian of the Year is a country music singer.  While the rest of the world is trying to solve climate change and improve security and peace, we are a nation of people who think that ”Achy Breaky Heart” is something to aspire to.   I’m not sure that this is a good image.  Let’s forget about the Australian people who try and cure minor diseases like cancer, or the firefighters who risk their lives every day to save other people – country music is much more important.  It’s now back on the agenda for 2008, as the farmers have seen a lot of rain in the last few months, so they are relaxing a bit more and buying lots of horrible country music.

Then there is the Young Australian of the Year.  Maybe there have been some young Australians who have crawled from Sydney to Perth to raise awareness of the plight of fairy penguins in Antarctica.  Maybe a young Australian has managed to support 36 members of their extended family by selling chocolate door-to-door across 36 suburbs that are full of McMansions.  But this is nothing compared to the efforts of the self-serving efforts of the young Australian of the Year for 2008 – some young guy who spends his time speeding around the racetracks on this motorbike.  As he won the world championship for motorbike racing, the guy is obviously the best option for Australian of the Year.  Obviously it’s OK to be involved in a sport where you are unnecessarily spewing out heaps of greenhouse gases – racing motorbikes around and around in circles – encouraging other young Australians to speed on the road.

This makes me wonder who decides the Australian of the Year.  And what is the criteria for being Australian of the Year?  Must support fast cars?  Must support bad music?  Must not live in the big city?  Must not be vegetarian?  What does it mean to be Australian?  Maybe they should just pick a name out of a hat.

(You can read more about Bogan Gate here:  http://www.parkes.nsw.gov.au/about/1009/1026.html

Protesting – Cat Style

Thomas the cat is not a happy camper at the moment, as I have placed him on a low calorie diet that consists solely of low calorie cat biscuits.  In retaliation, Thomas has started a concerted shitting campaign, rather that starting a hunger strike.  He has decided to do his shits in the middle of the bathroom.  Occasionally, he will also piddle on any underwear or socks that are left on the bathroom floor.  This has been going on for the past week – it has added impact when he does a shit in the middle of the night, as you may step on the warm smelly cat poo when you wake up in the morning for your morning bog. 

Thomas is also very good at making me feel guilty when I eat dinner, particularly I am having tuna or steak.  He will sit beside me and follow every morsel of food from the plate to my mouth.  So far, I have only yielded once, when I gave him some King Island cheddar cheese with vegemite on a water cracker.  He turned his nose up at it when I did give it to him.

I’m not sure how to deal with this issue.  Thomas really loves his food, but he was really fat.  But then again, it is unlikely that he will never meet a nice tom cat or girl cat, as his testicles were removed during desexing.  It’s quite a big dilemma, as I also enjoy sharing food with Thomas.  He loves expensive cheese, yoghurt, tuna, salmon, broccoli, spaghetti bolonese, chicken cordon bleu and quiche.  But he can only eat cat biscuits now.  No wonder he is deliberating shitting in the middle of the bathroom.  I think I would do the same thing if I did not have access to more destructive means of making my voice heard.

Bianca the Navman/NavWoman Gets it Wrong – Lake George

During my afternoon nap today I was awoken by recollections of an incident with Bianca the Navman, as I cruised from Canberra to Sydney with her along the Federal Highway.  During my brief relationship with Bianca, I have grown to love her immensely.  She can guide you to the nearest pub or winery throughout Australia. 

However, it seems that Bianca has not really dealt with accepting the challenges and issues that are posed by climate change, as she was developed during the Howard years.  I vividly recall the trip from Canberra to Goulburn as we drove past Lake George.  Bianca the Navman is able to display maps of the surrounding area as you drive along, but she is living in a bit of a fantasy world when it comes to Lake George.  In the last ten years, there has been severe drought, so Lake George is really dry with no signs of water.  However, Bianca thinks that Lake George has lots of water, as it is shown in blue, in the same manner as Bondi Beach or Sydney Harbour.

I feel sorry for any tourists who use the Navman as a source of information for accessing the best swimming and water skiing spots in Australia, as they may be incorrectly navigated to Lake George as a potential haven for water sports.  Given that there are lots of rotting sheeps carcasses, it is highly unlikely that you will find enough water to take a bath, let alone go for a swim or water skiing.  Bianca needs to face up to the reality of drought, and it’s impact on Australian families.  Lake George should not be coloured blue on the Navman maps.

Further observations on responsible service of alcohol….

It seems that my last posting on the Unity Hall incident on the weekend is worthy of further analysis.

I think I was rejected from entering Unity Hall on the basis of looking too trendy and generally halving the average age and lifting the appearance of the patrons in the pub.  However, there could have been a small chance that the rejection was due to this “responsible service of alcohol” rubbish.  What the hell is the purpose of a pub if alcohol is going to be served responsibly???

When a bouncer at the door asks how much you have had to drink, I think there are a couple of recommendations that I will action in future (after having done a SWOT Analysis of this issue:

a) Be very specific.

b) Do not say that you have had more than two drinks.

In terms of being specific, you just need to say one drink or two drinks.  Do not hesitate, as this gives and indication that you may not be fit to enter the pub.  The bouncer will not ask you to verify what type of drink or the unit of measurement.  One drink could mean one glass of beer or a glass of wine.  It could also mean a bottle of wine.  In theory, it could also be a cask of wine.  Do not say maybe one or two.  Be specific.

In terms of numerics, do not exceed two drinks, as we are dealing with people who are numerically challenged.  This is why they are working at the front of a pub on a Saturday night when everybody else is having a good time.  Bouncers were the guys at school who were giving chinese burns to the scrawy kids in the class while everybody else was learning to count beyond three.  They will feel very challenged if you mention numbers that they cannot comprehend.

I think this whole area could become a new arena for management consultants who can advise people on how to get around these silly rules.  If you can run training courses for the responsible service of alcohol, you can run training courses for the legal avoidance of dealing with stupid rules on the responsible service of alcohol.  It will eventually become like taxation law, where one group of people set the rules, and everyone else tries to get around them.  It will all the great for the economy.

Not the best pub in Balmain – Unity Hall

We live in a cotton wool society.

I was officially rejected from entering a pub yesterday evening for the first time ever.  Responsible service of alcohol has gone too far.  Yesterday, I went out with a group of friends who shared a couple of bottles of wine in a restaurant, and we were rejected from entering the Unity Hall hotel in Balmain.  The over zealous bouncer was obviously not having a good night, as it was cold and wet last night.  He was extremely happy with the quietness of the evening – perhaps he was contemplating the higher philosophical meaning of life as he was waiting outside the hotel, as the “gatekeeper” of the peace.  So as we tried to enter the Unity Hall Hotel in Balmain, he started cross questioning everybody about how much they had to drink.  The designated driver told the bouncer that he had nothing to drink and was refused entry to the hotel for “lying”, and perhaps looking a little bit too trendy for the Unity Hall – as this is the dredgiest pub in Balmain.  I was also rejected, as I think I was looking a little bit too trendy and gay last night.  Unity Hall would have been quite lucky to get our business, as most of the people in our group would have lifted the general tone of the pub, as well as halving the average age of the patrons in the pub that night.  I guess they are going for a different crowd, as they are certainly not the best pub in Balmain.  Probably a money laundering front for drug dealers or something like that…

The behaviour of bouncers in the front of hotels is really beginning to piss me off recently.  In Newtown this week, a friend and I were told to told to get away from the front of a hotel as I was waiting for some friends.  These guys seem to forget that the pavement in front of a hotel is public space and they do not have the right to tell people where they can stand.  It’s all getting a bit out of hand when hotels think they own the road as well.  I think this is a major issue that the government needs to fix.

My latest toy – Bianca the Navman

Bianca is my new driving buddy. 

 My huge expenditure on my credit cards over the past 12 months has enabled me to ”win” a Navman with my credit card points – in theory I will never be lost again.  The Navman has a number of pre-determined characters who can navigate you from place to place when you are driving.  You have a choice of whether the Navman is male or female, in addition to choosing whether they have a British or American accent as they are giving you directions across Australia.  The American voices are way too bizarre – this is completely inappropriate for Australia – everyone knows that Americans have no idea with metric measurements like kilometres and metres.  The female American is Cindy and the male American is Chuck.  They are quite unbelievable - most Americans have no knowledge of things outside of American, let alone navigating me from inner city Sydney to Canberra.  Instead, I decided that my Navman will be controlled by Bianca, who is a British character who used to backpack around Australia in the 1970s.  Now she has an expert knowledge of Australian roads, as she probably works for Macquarie Bank – she therefore has in intimate knowledge of all the new tollroads and tunnels throughout the country.  Bianca is quite well rounded, as she was even able to guide me to Namadgi National Park on Saturday – this is am amazing place that is overrun by kangaroos on the outskirts of Canberra – Bianca has so much knowledge.

Bianca is very patient when I make wrong turns, which happens very often (particularly when you are trying to navigate around the huge roundabouts in Canberra).  When you completely fuck up, Bianca patiently tells you to make a U turn (only when it is safe). 

I have noticed that Bianca is not as entertaining as real life navigators.  When you run a red light, she does not get into an argument with you.  She does not tell you that she needs to go to the toilet, or that she is hungry.  She does not suggest that you speed up so she can get home to watch Big Brother.  This is completely different to real human navigators.  I think Navman need to have an option for those of us who not accustomed to calmness when driving, as it is much better to have several back seat navigators who all have a different opinion on the best way to get from A to B.  They could have an option where you have two navigators who are quite old – it would be just like having your mum and dad in the back seat of the car when you are trying to drive them to the nearest nursing home.  “You missed your turn, you stupid idiot”, “Don’t listen to your father, you’d be much better off to keep going on the main highway”.  The possibilities are endless with Navman.  You could even have your favourite characters from Little Britain.  Vicki Pollard could tell you stories as you go along the boring stretches.  Navman is quite boring when it comes to the Sydney-Canberra freeway, as Bianca just says – “Keep going for 220km, then turn left”.  Then she goes off to sleep, unless you make a wrong turn or go over the speed limit.

So now I will have no excuse for not visiting people who live outside the first 20 pages of the Sydney Street directory, as Bianca can give me directions across the whole country – she works in places like Mosman (“the other side”), Parramatta, and Canberra.  It’s so amazing.  She even knows where all the McDonald’s are!

New Year’s Resolution

My New Year’s resolution is going really well so far.  I am trying to average 30km per day of cycling.  I’ve created a little gnome spreadsheet to keep track of this achievement, along with the amount of weight I have lost since this training regime started.  So far, so good….

Since December 26, I’ve cycled 343km.  Today has been the best day so far, as I decided to venture way out west from the city the Prospect Reservoir, via Strathfield, Olmypic Park, Parramatta and Greystanes – then back to Fairfield station, and back on the train to the city.  Total cycling distance was 60.1 km.  Total weight loss since Christmas festivties has been 2.6 kg.  I’m grateful for that….

TV shows on Alien Abductions and Ghostly Apparitions – Foxtel Programming

Well it’s been a while since I last wrote in my grateful diary, as Christmas and New Year festivities do not provide us with the indulgence of being able to sit back and ponder things to be grateful about.  I am really grateful that I got through several social occasions at my new house without having any major damage.  The last few weeks were quite amazing, as no one spilled red wine on the sofa, despite the fact that a lot of red wine was consumed.  We did have a small oily disaster when one of my cousins fell over when they were carrying some oily sausages from the BBQ to the dining table, but this was promptly remedied through the application of some Carpet Power magic.

New Year offers the opportunity to make New Year resolutions.  In  2008, I am going to give up watching pointless programs on Foxtel (when my current subscription expires).

My Foxtel subscription expires in March, so this is when I will take drastic action on the New Year resolution – I will cancel my Foxtel subscription.  Summer programming on Foxtel is even worse than other times.  It seems that alien abductions and ghost shows are the order of the day.

Shortly before Christmas, after a lovely evening of dinner and drinks (and more drinks), I made the mistake of watching a Foxtel channel that is (allegedly) devoted to science.  Let me tell you that Sir Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein would turn over in their grave is they saw the tripe that Foxtel purports to be “science”.  After midnight, their science channel is devoted to programs on haunted houses and alien abductions. 

When you have had a bit to drink, and you are coming back to your warehouse conversion apartment, it is not a good idea to watch TV shows about ghosts that walk the corridors of old buildings.   I made the mistake of watching a program about these ghosts that go around an old hotel in England.  If you believe the program, these ghosts pass their time by terrorising the guests in the hotel each night by turning the TVs on and off by using the remote controls.  The program showed secret cameras (with grainy film) that were planted in the hotel rooms, and the televisions were clearly being turned on and off during the night.  It was shit scary if you are a bit tipsy and open to suggestions….

You may call me a skeptic, but I do not recall hearing about televisions and remote control devices during my medieval English history classes.  But when I have arrived home after a few drinks, this sort of camera work on a cheap Foxtel program can be very convincing.  I was unable to sleep for the remainder of the night, as I was afraid that some ghosts would come and turn on my TV with the remote control.  Eventually, I did get to sleep, as I realised that my entertainment system is very complicated.  No living person (apart from me) has been able to navigate their way through the 6 remote controls that I have for my entertainment system, so I eventually figured that a ghost from the early 1900s would be unable to master this skill.  And besides, I have a cat, who would be able to warn me about any ghosts that are in the local vicinity. 

Foxtel also devotes a lot of time to alien abductions.  One such program got me hooked the other night, as it explained that alien abductions happen all over the world.  Previously, I thought that aliens only abducted inbred people in the mid-west of America, but apparently the aliens have also been to India and Africa.  They regularly abduct people as a matter of routine, and Foxtel has managed to find many scientists that can attest to this fact.   This really gets me thinking, as I am trying to work out why the aliens would abduct people only for a short time.  If the aliens are clever enough to travel millions of light years across the universe, surely they would want to borrow a few people and never send them back to earth?   Surely you would want to keep the people and bring them back to your own planet, so they could be put into a zoo?  These programs always use really terrible camera footage when they do manage to do a snap of a flying saucer or ghost, so I think it is safe to assume that neither of these things exist – so this is a major reason for getting rid of Foxtel in a few weeks time….